Amazon threatened by hydrocarbons

These environmentalist wackos have gone too far. It's one thing to spread their hippie agenda to other hippies, but when they threaten decent companies like Amazon.com I have to say something.

No, as I've said before, I don't read the Internets. That's why God created interns. That and acting as door stops for broken doors.

But when the interns try to relay the information and drone on and on about why this is blah, blah, blah and something about their aunt's funeral it's hard to stay focused.

The only things I did catch from the information they gave me are the words "oil" and "gas":

Because hydrocarbons are now being exploited at a rate 7 times higher than in 2003, the impacts of oil and gas activities need to be scientifically studied.

These studies should rigorously identify and measure the effects on biodiversity, indigenous groups and wilderness areas in this region.

This view was expressed to SciDev.Net by Martí Orta-Martinez from the Universidad Autonoma de Barcelona (UAB) and co-author of a study on the predation of the Peruvian Amazon in this century by the granting of land for gas exploration and oil.

So, in short: if these hippies are using gas, hurray. If they are trying to get rid of Amazon, boo.

Now it's time to buy a hummer on Amazon.

Huge iceberg breaks off antarctica

Another day, another scare. Some more "scientists" are saying we are about to drown or something:

Scientists say a vast iceberg weighing billions of tonnes which broke off the Antarctic continent this month poses a potential threat to the circulation of the world's oceans.

They say the 2,500 square kilometre iceberg, floating south of Australia, could block an area that produces a quarter of the world's dense and very cold seawater, known as bottom water.

This water drives ocean currents, and scientists say weather patterns could be affected in decades to come.

My first question is "where do these Brits go to school?" It's spelled "tons". Why do people over there constantly want to add extra letters?

Then, what the hell is a kilometre? Use spell check, cap'n and then convert to standard. Once again they are using way more units than they need to. 2,500 square kilometers is probably about 12 square feet.

Sure everyone is afraid that the ice is melting too fast, but how do we know they're telling the truth this time.

I wish they were. After all, all this means is that I will have more opportunity to drink some ice cold water and throw on my swimsuit.

"Magic" black box makes oil profits disappear

This is unconscionable! Some joker decides he can make a some crazy box that provides enough energy to power a home.

I'm not keen on the particulars because I don't read the interwebs. Instead, I have my interns take care of that and I simply have them relay it to me, but there is only so much droning on and on I can take from pimply-faced college freshman.

I mean, come on, Doug! They make creams for that nowadays. And it doesn't help your case when you keep complaining about having to work because you have the measles. Get diseases when you're a kid like everyone else!

Anyway, this is just one more lowlife trying to take money out of the oil companies' pockets.

Here's what some blog has to say:

Those two blocks can power the average high-consumption American home -- one block can power the average European home. At least that's the claim being made by K.R. Sridhar, founder of Bloom Energy, on 60 Minutes last night. The original technology comes from an oxygen generator meant for a scrapped NASA Mars program that's been converted, with the help of an estimated $400 million in private funding, into a fuel cell. Bloom's design feeds oxygen into one side of a cell while fuel (natural gas, bio gas from landfill waste, solar, etc) is supplied to the other side to provide the chemical reaction required for power. The cells themselves are inexpensive ceramic disks painted with a secret green "ink" on one side and a black "ink" on the other. The disks are separated by a cheap metal alloy, instead of more precious metals like platinum, and stacked into a cube of varying capabilities -- a stack of 64 can power a small business like Starbucks.

How horrific. Hippies saving energy, regular people making energy-efficient refrigerators, and even Google gets in the mix. It's enough to make me have another intern idle a second car all day long.

Time for a little pick me up ride in my Hummer.

Hot koalas turn into homeless beggars

I was recently alerted about a frightening situation in Australia. Luckily I have friends who love to forward all kinds of important news to me including news about piano-playing kittens and sneezing panda bears. Even more fortunately is the fact that I have my staff take care of all my Internets so that I don't have to check my e-mail or write my posts.

According to this enlightening e-mail, the heat of 120 degrees in Australia has caused koalas to ask people for water - something that has not been seen before. I'm sure there are hippies out there that will say this is all due to global climate change. I don't care, but I'm all for it: whatever gets those homeless bastards out of the trees.

However this begging - it's just distasteful. Animals shouldn't be begging. People who spit-shine my windshield should.

But it's the hippie-loving, e-mail junkie that sent me this note about whom I'm most concerned. The e-mail concluded with these pictures of this Koala who, according to the e-mail, tried "to hide from the heat to get a bit of shade". The e-mail continues: "... here's what happened when the owner gave him something to drink. It's really cute."

Using cute animals to hock your hippie agenda is just wrong. (By the way, thanks for coming to my blog. For more pictures of cute and scary animals, click here).

At least it's not rogue deer. They're killers!

Know who hates climate change? terrorists!

Osama bin Laden hates climate change:

Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden has called for the world to boycott American goods and the U.S. dollar, blaming the United States and other industrialized countries for global warming, according to a new audiotape released Friday.

In the tape, broadcast in part on Al-Jazeera television, bin Laden warned of the dangers of climate change and said that the way to stop it is to bring "the wheels of the American economy" to a halt.

He blamed Western industrialized nations for hunger, desertification and floods across the globe, and called for "drastic solutions" to global warming, and "not solutions that partially reduce the effect of climate change."

It's like I've been saying all along: climate change is good. Don't be a terrorist. Think of all the money to be made from this. Hell, I've got some pretty great plans. In fact, right now Russia is trying to claim the North Pole for natural resources:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Smokin' Pole - The Fight for Arctic Riches
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

So don't be a terrorist: burn some extra gas today. If you don't, the terrorists win.

Glacier melting timetables are lies... damn!

Some hippie in the U.N. is harshing my mellow, by lying about glaciers melting faster than evidence supports, according to CNN:

The U.N.'s leading panel on climate change has apologized for misleading data published in a 2007 report that warned Himalayan glaciers could melt by 2035.

In a statement released Wednesday, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) said estimates relating to the rate of recession of the Himalayan glaciers in its Fourth Assessment Report were "poorly substantiated" adding that "well-established standards of evidence were not applied properly."

I immediately realized how terrible this was. It may mean that the influx of water and swimming would be delayed and so would my opportunities to capitalize on it.

Luckily, the article gave me hope once again:

Despite the admission, the IPCC reiterated its concern about the dangers melting glaciers present in a region that is home to more than one-sixth of the world's population.

"Widespread mass losses from glaciers and reductions in snow cover over recent decades are projected to accelerate throughout the 21st century, reducing water availability, hydropower potential, and changing seasonality of flows in regions supplied by meltwater from major mountain ranges (e.g. Hindu-Kush, Himalaya, Andes)..."

Shew! That freaked me out for a second. I felt like Rush Limbaugh talking to people who could think. Yikes!

Glad to know I can still make money on other peoples problems.

Burger king to make energy off drive thru

Engadget reports that Burger King wants to run it's fast food restaurant off of my car's energy:

We can't say we doubted that New Energy's MotionPower speed bump would actually be installed at a New Jersey Burger King, but it's always refreshing to see a plan morph into reality. As of now, those in Hillside heading to have it their way will cruise over the kinetic energy harvester before retrieving their grub, which has the potential to create around 2,000 watts of electricity from a car hitting it at five miles per hour. As of now, the hump is simply there to test storage potential, but New Energy is hoping that the next generation of the tech could be placed at a variety of fast foot eateries, parking lots, toll booth plazas and anywhere else where folks need a little assistance in maintaining a sensible speed. Check out the read link for a plethora of shots, and feel free to splurge on a #4 combo today if you're in the area -- Ma Earth will thank you.

Now, the way I see it, BK owes me some dough and I don't mean the kind they put in their croissanwich. If they're taking energy from me, I need more than the 4 billion joules of pancreas-blowing energy their food gives me. I need cash.

Now if they use that energy to zap some killer deer, I'm on board. Other than that, cough it up, BK.